I’m 35 years old, I have 4 kids, a full-time job, a mortgage, and a minivan. I think it’s safe to say I’m an adult, and for the record, I love being an adult. I have no desire to go back to high school or relive some glory day. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything sitting at home in my sweatpants on Friday night and playing Uno with my kids, but that doesn’t mean being a grown-up is easy.
My husband is an Enneagram 5, and if you know anything about the Enneagram you know that means he is the most analytical, observant, and emotionally detached personality type. That means there is no conversation you can’t have with him. I’m serious. You can bring up any topic at any time, and he can talk to you about it. I’ve rarely ever seen him flustered, hold grudges, or even get defensive. Everything’s on the table. Me on the other hand, I’m an Enneagram 7, which means my greatest motivation in life is joy and having fun. The thought of someone not liking me or having to talk about difficult emotions is debilitating.
The reason I explained the difference, is because every time I vent a frustration to Jason about something at work or a friendship or family drama, he gives me the same advice. “Have you talked to them about it?”
The answer is almost always, “no.” I don’t want to talk about it. I dread the thought of talking about it. I play out the conversation in my mind over and over again, and the conclusion is almost always that my friend or relative or co-worker will misunderstand me or I will hurt their feelings and they never talk to me again.
I’m not naive, I know the problem isn’t going to fix itself, but even knowing it won’t go away, I would rather avoid conflict than have a hard conversation.
Jason has a name for these types of conversations. I’ve heard him say it for 15 years. He calls them “adult conversations.” He’ll say, “it’s not a fight, it’s an adult conversation” or “you’re not being mean you’re having an adult conversation.”
Over the years I’ve had to have a lot of adult conversations, and I hated it every. single. time. #peoplepleaserproblems
- “Hey mom, we’re not going to be able to be at Christmas this year because we’re going to Jason’s family.”
- “Sorry friend, I can’t go on that destination bridal shower, because honestly we just don’t have the money right now.”
- “Hey, I wanted to let you know the other day when you said it must be nice to be able to be home instead of having to work a job, it really hurt my feelings, because it felt like you were saying I don’t work hard, but you do.”
I could keep going because these are just the first few that came to mind in 15 seconds.
In my life and listening to my girlfriends, I’ve noticed we’re a lot better talking to other people about our hurts than talking to the person who hurt us. It makes sense, but it doesn’t solve the problem. I think that’s one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned as an adult, things don’t work themselves out, people work things out. It’s not easy, it requires the courage to have hard conversations. Adult conversations.
You know how I said, I always play out the conversation in my head and it always ends in disaster? In reality, almost every time I’ve been courageous enough to broach a difficult topic with someone I care about, it has helped. There have been a few times when it escalated the situation, but much fewer than my imagination predicted. It takes work to make relationships work, and I want friendships I can measure in decades, so if that’s what it takes, I’ll swallow real hard, take a deep breath, and do it. I still don’t enjoy it, but adults have adult conversations, and I’m an adult so…
Have you been avoiding a hard conversation? Go do it! You’ll be glad you did.
